Currently Playing
Middle of Nowhere
By Hanson
- Weird

Holly,

Thank you for writing this. Trust me when I say I know that this has been

hard for you. I have tried to not push the issue and let you say what you

needed to say on your time.

When you mother and I were married, and vows given, we both meant every word

and promise that was made before God and everyone else. There are very few

marriages that begin not feeling that way. All I can say is things change.

Your mother and I both made a lot of changes over the years to make each

other happy. Many times at our own misery. This is not how I had hoped

things would have turned out. But this is how it has to be.

The part that frustrates me is that everyone has forgotten that I too have a

side in this. There are reasons I can no longer live with your mother. I

have chose not to tell my side because I refuse to talk bad about your

mother to anyone. Even if I did, I know it would not change how people look

at me because I was the one that left. I had to be the one to leave.

Therefore, I went into this knowing I will be looked on as the bad guy. Your

mother is defenatly stronger than I and would have done whatever she could,

but she did the wrong things for the wrong reasons. She never really looked

into my heart to find out what I needed to be loved as a husband. She made

her own assumptions. The result is I have felt unloved for many years. I

could no longer stay in a home that I felt I was nothing more than a

paycheck. That is how she made me feel.

I know that you and John love me, and I know that you know, I love you. And

I also know that there is nothing I will ever be able to say or do to take

away the disappointment you two will have in me. But given that, I can not

make myself believe it is right for me to remain miserable remaining to live

with your mother just for the sake of making the world think everything is

fine. Yes I know that makes me look selfish, but all I can say is trust me

when I say I tried for many, many years to keep things from turning out this

way. I guess all I can hope for is that while you two may not look up to me

as a roll model, perhaps you will both learn from what went wrong between

your mother and I.

Regardless of how I may have been introduced to Berni. The fact still

remains that she has nothing to do with the fact that I am not with your

mother. Even if Berni was not here, our marriage was destined to fail. The

consoling that your mother and I went to only showed me that to be true as I

have believed. But I will say I feel very fortunate to have Berni in my life

during a time that was very difficult for me. This will be hard for you to

hear, but the reality is, Berni and I love each other that way two people

should. We let each person be the person they are. We do not try to change

each other to fit the other's expectations. We put each other first, not the

rest of the world. Sometimes that means everyone else looks down on you

because you do not do what they want you to. But that is not what real love

should be about. It is the kind of love I tried for 27 years to have with

your mother, but it never happened. That is unfortunate, but reality. Yes I

made promises the day your mother and I were married. I was sincere making

those promises. But it became to impossible to make happen anymore. Holly, I

can not stay with your mother, just because she is your mother. I'm sorry

but it is how it has to be.

Berni is in my life now. It is wrong for you or anyone else to try and use

her as a scape goat for what has happened. She loves me, and she has

feelings too. All I ask is to not take this out on someone that had nothing

to do with what happened. She is a person too. Berni has said she will step

aside anytime I want to spend time with the rest of my family such as

Thanksgiving. She is willing to do that because she knows how much all of

this hurts everyone, and because she loves me. But I love her too and she

comes first in my life. I will not do things without her by my side. If that

means you will not spend time with me, then that is your choice. You and

John are adults and you should be looking to build your own families. I will

always be her for you as a father, but I will not ignore the one I love as a

companion.

I hope and pray that someday you can get over it and spend time with Berni

and I. If you love me, you will understand this and at least try.

Also, You and John have ignored Grandma and Grandpa way too much. They are

your Grandparents. They never get a call from you two. There are times when

you have been up that way but never stop by to visit. They are very hurt by

this and you need to find a way to see them. If you are not going to come to

dinner then I suggest maybe you and John go up there and visit them. A call

now and then can not hurt.

Love forver,

Dad



I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. God - what am I supposed to do? Why do things have to be so hard? I need You right now. He needs You.

Lyric of the Day: "Isn't it hard. Standing in the rain. You're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain
No one can hear though you're screaming so loud You feel all alone in a faceless crowd" - Weird, Hanson