Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Currently Listening To: Jars of Clay - Tea and Sympathy

Fare thee well
Trade in all our words for tea and sympathy
Wonder why we tried, for things that could never be
Play our hearts lament, like an unrehearsed symphony

Not intend
To leave this castle full of empty rooms
Our love the captive in the tower never rescued
And all the victory songs
Seem to be playing out of tune

But it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy
'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be

You begin
And all your words fall to the floor and break like china cups
And the waitress grabs a broom and tries to sweep them up
I reach for my tea and slowly drink in

'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy
'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy

So fare thee well
Words the bag of leaves that fill my head
I could taste the bitterness and call the waitress instead
She holds the answer, smiles and asks one teaspoon or two

Don't trade us for tea and sympathy
Don't trade us for tea and Sympathy
Happy Day! It's like 75 or something and BEAUTIFUL!!!! Today in PE we played touch football outside and I didn't think I'd like it, but it was fun blocking Deanna and having her block me (meaning I would purposely run behind her and pretend like I actually wanted to catch the ball). Yay for that. Then I ate some lunch and Jen and I cleaned our cars. My car was pretty trashed. I took out EVERY TINY bit of nast that I could (there's still some melted/hardened gummi life savor type thing in the ash tray) cleaned up spilled stuff (like the coffe that spilled Sunday on my way back when I hit a pot hole), dusted the dash and also used Windex Multipurpose on it, cleaned the windows, used Resolve on the seats, washed it with every step in at the car wash (except the foam brush b/c I didn't have enough quarters) and vacuumed it better than it ever has been. I had never paid to vacum before b/c I usually do it at home for free, but our vacum sucks. Actually no it doesn't suck and that's the problem. Anyway... yeah. IT'S FREAKING CLEAN!!! I didn't vacum the trunk b/c that would have taken forever... maybe next week. I really want to wash it about once a week so that it stays nice. I put the winter stuff like scrapers and de-icer in the trunk and so the only thing in my car (besides flashlights, important info, maps, etc in the glove box) is an Anderson phone book and some paper towels. IT'S CLEAN! I'm so happy about it! Hehehe. And a note to people who ride in my car - there's a little pocket in the shotgun door - it's not a trash can! There were some NASTY things in there that I don't even know what they were. I think my car could get a little cleaner under the seats where I can't reach b/c a long time ago my pig keychain and car key fell off the other key chain and today I found the pig keychain but still can't find the car key (but yay for spares!). So now that I've posted a whole boring paragraph about my car... time to clean myself. I'm sweaty and nast. And then tonight Ryan and Lisa and I are going to go see The Ring Two. We have to see it together b/c the three of us saw the original together in the theater on Halloween two years ago and it was the first of many, many things we did together.

The end. And then I found $1.06 American and $1.10 Jamaican. No really, I did when I was cleaning the car.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Yay for last night. We had elections for L'ami for '05-'06 and I was elected President - I'm really excited about it! And my roomie is VP, not Stacy though b/c she's not in L'ami. And Jen is Service Coordinator (in charge of setting up service projects) and yeah... it'll be a fun time.

Tonight is apartment draw. I hope we get in East - for non AU peeps that's a NEW apartment building that is still being built. Umm... yeah living with three L'ami officers Stacy better rush next year

More about last night - after L'ami Mel, Jen and I did the usual Perkins run which was usual and great. Then we decided to go see Creepy Jesus - we haven't seen him since Christmas time w/ Jen Lo Sasso (who we miss very much). So we get there and there's an arch around him, which there always has been I think. And it has Christmas lights on it, but it's more springy and not Christmasy.... and the lights are on. Mel pulls up to shine her headlights on it and (we later find out that at this point Jen was thinking to herself 'watch it do something creepy this time') and the lights went off. I was just like "umm hey uhhh that's really weird, uhh the lights were on and now they aren't." and then a few seconds later the lights came back on and we all screamed like girls. Well we are girls but yeah. As we were screaming Mel peeled out and drove away, but the opposite way you're supposed to leave, because that's the way her car was pointing. So she turns around and we're like "please let the lights stay on..." and so we are driving back and the lights stay on, and Jen turned to look at it as we passed it and thought to herself "what if I'm looking back here and we hit something and all I hear is BOOM!" and meanwhile I see something on the side of the road, I say "dog!" but then I realize it's not a dog. It's a deer. So I say "deer! deer! deer!" meanwhile Mel is looking at a buck on the left side of the road in the field, but I'm looking at the doe in the middle of the street right in front of us. She finally sees the doe and slams on her breaks (getting Jen's attention and freaking her out because BOOM??) so Jen yells "SH*T!!" and yeah. We didn't hit it but we were only a few feet away from it. Something else happened.

Monday, March 28, 2005

To my brother, who doesn't read this but yeah:

You're defined by having an open mind
Yet you close me out everytime I speak mine
We could agree to disagree and move on but humans love proving each other wrong
Forget it
Religion, cultural differences, politics
This list could go on forever if we let it
This repetative rhetoric is pathetic
Back to nowhere is where the argument's headed
You are who you are
Who am I to end it?
Hey I can't make you think past your mental limit
I am not God, I do not set the standard
Do not look to me if you want to expand yours
You see, me and you, we didn't create the truth
Without the grace of God our views are construed and at best just a good attempt
Heck, it wasn't until I surrendered my opinion that life made sense

I have no opinion, I don't
I could, but I won't
I'm tired of arguing
I have no opinion, nor do I need to win
See, I'm tired, I'm tired of arguing
So don't begin with what cannot end
Because I'm tired, I'm tired of arguing
I have no opinion, actually I do
I just don't want to dispute with you

I'm only so many years old
Raised in Columbus, Ohio what do I know?
Midwest perspective, midwest approach to life
American church, American Jesus Christ
The do's and dont's, the wrongs and rights
The facts of life aren't always black and white
But when it's all said and done, at the end of the day
I'm trusting God to guide me through the gray

5 points to whoever knows who that's by - Melissa Kae and Ryan aren't allowed to tell

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Hurray for my group at home - Krista, Holly, Katie, and Chris. You know what I like about my group at home? Krista is my best friend. She's the person that I feel like I can tell ANYTHING to and it doesn't matter. Holly and Katie are best friends and so I assume they feel the same way about each other. Katie and Chris are engaged, so I hope they feel that way and so much more. So even though there are sets within the group that are closer, I love that we can still all hang out. Like, I can hang out with Holly and not Krista, even if Krista is home and not doing anything, and that's fine. And Holly and Krista can hang out and it's fine. And Holly and Katie can hang out, and Chris and Katie, and Krista and myself, etc. It doesn't matter who we're with we still have a great time without thinking constantly "oh I wish Krista was here" or whatever. Yay for group dynamics. Yay for my friends at home. And when we are hanging, all 5 of us, we're a group. We're not two sets of best friends and an engaged couple, we're a group of 5 friends hanging out and having fun.

Monday, March 14, 2005

I'M FREAKING IN LONDON!!!!! Woot baby woot!

So much to say but I don't want to use my 30 min that I paid £1 (about $2) for to just post a long Xanga -that'll wait 'til home. So here's a brief overview:

-small wc
-what time is it?
-mind the gap

Wednesday, March 9, 2005

Okay so like I said Sunday the sermon was about dying to yourself.

Last night we asked what that meant. We decided that it means "being in a perpetual state of throwing up your hands and saying 'I can't do this.' It means that you no longer turn to yourself for solutions."

We also need to live in a way that everything we do brings glory to God. He gave us our passions to bring Him glory and also to bring us joy. One guy who mentioned this is an art student, and he pointed out that it's so easy to paint or draw something and look at how beautiful this thing is that he made and how great of an artist he is, but instead he needs to look at it and think of how wonderful God is for giving him art.

It sounds so cliche (and there are soooo many cliches in the church) but whatever it is you love to do - do it for Him!

God, I can't do this anymore.

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

A note to a few people...

#1 - I don't know what just made me think about you. I don't remember not knowing you, and now when it seems like we're in a place where we should know each other the best, who are you? What are you thinking? What's God showing you? Why don't we take advantage of the time here and get to know each other. You're leaving soon, and you'll be my friend who is probably the farthest. Can I call you friend? I think I used to.... I think you've slipped to aquaintance. How can I start this in such a short time without the wrong impression being given?

#2 - I admire your spiritual walk. As you are an oppoiste gender it makes it hard for me to push away society saying that anything in you I admire must mean I have a crush on you. I don't. That would be dangerous. Not because of who you are but because of what you are. But you have such an amazing faith, consistently pulling everything out of me making it wonder, question, and want to grow. I want that in my spouse. This doesn't mean I want you as my spouse.

#3 - I used to feel that same way about you. Where are you? I haven't seen you.

#4 - Why? I just don't understand. I know it's not of God and I know you know that and there are times you fight that but why do you - why do we all - continually give in?

#5 - Why? Don't think I don't notice. Just admit it and move on. Please. It's annoying and I don't want it to ruin anything. I'm scared for this summer.

#6 - Open your eyes.

#7 - I'm so happy for you. I know we don't talk often anymore but I want to be there. This is such an amazing time in your life.

#8 - I don't want to lose you. Ever. But first I need to find you.

#9 - You are so close. I've also always known you and this is the closest you've ever been. Reach out your arm - grab what you see - don't be afraid.

#10 - Whoa. Where'd your memory come from? What happened to you? Do you still care? It used to be fake. What happened? Where are you? Do you know where He is?

#11 - Why did we drift away just because of a move. I fear you're farther from Him then ever. It scares me. Please find Him again. He's still there.

Sunday, March 6, 2005

Chruch thoughts...

During worship: Why did Christ die for people who deny who he is. I deny who he is through my actions. I wear two purity rings, but I am not pure. Why do we hide our sins from others? We should admit them and encourage each other and hold each other accountable. I just took off my purity rings. I will not wear them again until I have reached a closer state of purity (I believe that complete purity is impossible for us to reach in our world of sin - not purity of sexuality but purity of mind, heart, body and soul). Yes I am a virgin, but that does not mean I'm pure. (Also not being a virgin doesn't make you not pure.) I'm a Sunday morning (and Sunday-evening-during-bible-study and Tuesday-night-at-Matt's) Christian. I can't be that way any longer.

During sermon: I am broken. I haven't realized it, but I have been. This is why I haven't been myself. Why am I broken? I remember now that last fall I asked Him to break me. It is not until we are broken that we can be reshaped into what He wants of us. The sermon was partly about dying. Christ asks that we die so that in Him we can live. No that's not right. I don't remember exactly, and my explaining it will come no where close to what was really said and meant. I do remember that every morning we should die so that during the day we can live. Stupid emotional/spiritual highs. It needs to be EVERY FREAKIN' DAY... not a mountain top experience.

Looking back on previous posts...
Sunday, September 12, 2004

I pray that God will show me what areas of my life I have yet to sacrifice to Him. A painful plea, though I know it will result in great joy.

Friday, September 03, 2004

My main prayer for this semester is that I can get to know my friends on a deeper, more spiritual level (AU friends and SJ friends) and that I will be more open to people and be more willing to share of myself even if they don't share back. I pray that God will really use me, speak through me. I pray that I can fall so in love with Him that it will radiate through my entire being into my whole surrounding.

Monday, September 27, 2004

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everone. As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our prescence automatically liberates others." - Nelson Mandela
Saturday, September 25, 2004

Amazing how a song written almost 250 years ago touches my heart and speaks the words within me so well...

Come thou fount of every blessing/tune my heart to sing thy grace/streams of mercy never ceasing/call for songs of loudest praise/teach me some melodious sonnet/sung by flamming tongues above/praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it/mount of thy redeeming blood/here I raise my Ebenezer/here by thy great help I've come/and I hope by thy good pleasure/safely to arrive at home/Jesus sought me when a stranger/wandering from the fold of God/He to rescue me from danger/interposed His precious blood/O to grace how great a debtor/daily I'm constrained to be/Let they goodness like a fetter/bind my wandering heart to thee/Prone to wander, Lord I feel it/prone to leave the God I love/Here's my heart oh take and seal it/seal it for thy courts above
Tuesday, October 05, 2004

"You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever." ~Psalm 16:11, NLT

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Try to see the world as God sees it. It's not easy, at all.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I have been feeling really dry lately, I was expecting my mission trip to Jamaica to be this great eye-opening experience that would blossom my relationship with God and while it was an amazing trip and I met some great people I found myself totally forgetting that I was there to serve Him and to grow in Him and actually hardly even thought of God at all while I was there. I didn't really notice this until I got back and one of my friends asked me what God showed me on the trip and I had a hard time coming up with an answer. I know there are so many things that I saw and experienced that are of Him but I feel like I have been blinded from it and have come away with just a few new friends and a tan. And I also know that I need to read my Bible a lot more often because right now I really don't read it all that much at all, but at the same time I don't want it to become habit or duty. I also realized this morning that I have a lot of pride. Not pride as in I want people to see the great things I do or anything but pride in that I want people to think that I have an amazing relationship with God and that everything in my life is perfect. I feel like I just started on a new topic and that I stopped mid-thought but really I'm done so - the end!

Back to day, Sunday March 6... I feel like I haven't gotten much farther. I feel like my spiritual journey is at a standstill. I haven't grown since I don't know how long... maybe even high school. Sure I have moments of "Yes! I know what I need to do now!" and I'll say a little prayer and the next day totally froget about it. I remember someone once told me that they had a friend in college who he was still friends with and he would call him occasionally and ask "what has God done in your life today?" Not this year, not this month, TODAY. We should have an answer to that question every day. I don't want this to be another post where people leave a few comments, some saying they feel the same way, some saying thanks for sharing, some saying something totally unrelated. I want this to be a way for you all to keep me accountable. I want you all to be able to ask me that tomorrow, the next day, the next day, etc and I want to have an answer for you. I want to be able to ask you the same and you have an answer for me.

Our post-modern Christian culture is severely lacking accountability and being real. What is real anyway?

Friday, March 4, 2005

Okay... plans for the week.

Today: Skipping 9:00 class, cleaning desk, cleaning bathroom, working out (PE), Matrix Marathon w/ the girls

Saturday: Catching up on homework (yeah right), watching some Friends season 8, ushering for Stone Girls Dreaming (I get to see it for free!)

Sunday: Church, homework (again yeah right), who knows what else

Monday: Class, Friends?, PE, then who knows, AUCME, L'ami, then who knows, WalMart w/ Ryan @ Midnight (right?) - Season 9 comes out

Tuesday: Class, Chapel, Class, Lunch, Class, Friends Season 9 with Ryan (si?) with a break for Greasy Spoon Tuesday dinner (Lucy's?), American Idol, Amazing Race, Matt's

Wednesday: Class, who knows, class, who knows, American Idol

Thursday: Class, Chapel (AUCME team playin' again!), Class, Lunch, Class, laundry, Survivor, CSI

Friday: Class, pack, PE, Shower, MEGS' HOUSE, AIPORT, LONDON!

Thursday, March 3, 2005

I just found out someone back home is engaged, but I don't want to say who b/c I don't know how public they're making it yet.

Wednesday, March 2, 2005

Just got back from the last London meeting. Me = excited. I don't think that time-wise (or especially money-wise) we'll be able to get a day-trip to Paris in, but oh well. That just means I'll have to vacation there some other time. Hahaha. I'm all about traveling. I wish it wasn't so expensive. I'm going to try REALLY hard to sign up for the Greece trip next year (over Christmas break).
Last night at Matt's was amazing. Words wouldn't be able to sum the whole thing up. A lot of people talked, and everything that was said was so incredibly deep that I wish I had it on a DVD so I could study it over and over, chapter by chapter.

He gave me the sprititual gift/personality inventory thing that he wants all us internship people to do. Fun time!

I don't know if it's the whole denomination (CMA), part of the denomination, or just the Movement (MAC, Mercy House, Exit 59, Indy...) or what... but somewhere in there, we have a brand of coffee. World Alliance Coffees - this is what is used to make the yummy free capp's and latte's in church on Sundays, and we also sell the stuff. Matt said during the summer at the Cornerstone Festival in Illinois there's a vendor set up for World Alliance Coffees and that we make a LOT of money that way, b/c we're the only coffee vendor there, and it's hot, so ppl want lots of Fraps and stuff.. he said this summer us internship ppl will probably go and help out with it - woohoo! I wonder if that means I get to go to the festival for free! I'm assuming so, and I probably wouldn't have to work it 24/7 the whole time - so I might get to see some cool bands for free this summer. Woot.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005

Well... I did it. It was only for about two minutes, but I did it. I don't normally enjoy speaking in front of people - I even get nervous in a class of about 30 people. But today I spoke in Chapel - in front of about 2000+ students/faculty. Yeah.

Something weird about me - When going to the bathroom in a public restroom, I always use the second stall (unless it is nasty, occupied, or handicap).