Reflections on the Movement of Alliance Communities Missions Conference '05 - (which was today from 10am-5:30pm, 'cept we left @ 4)....

On the way there:
"Spring break is only two weeks away." - Me
"Yeah I know... are you doing anything?" - Jenna
"Going to London, I'm really excited..." - Me

There:
"I can buy my sermons, some drama, and some special music for a certain price... I don't want that shit." - Pastor Guy Pfanz (or however its spelled)

On the way back:
"Is spring break really only two weeks away?" - Jenna
"Yeah, we talked about that this morning." - Me
"Oh yeah. So are you doing anything for it?" - Jenna
"Um... London." - Me
"Oh really?" - Jenna
"Uhh.. yeah we talked about that this morning too." - Me

Not related to today at all:

Dance White Boy, Dance

Even though you don't read my xanga, Happy Birthday to my best friend of 3 years... I think 3.. yeah. Three. That's the longest I've held onto a best friend since elementary school, so thank you for being with me even when we've been so far apart geographically. I love that we can go a whole month or so without talking and pick back up right where we left off.

HAPPY TWENTY-FIRST KRISTA!!! (and Brittany, her twin!)

On a different note... Matt, Mel, Tif, and Jenna have all noticed something. They are right. I didn't know why. I think I know now.

Okay so this is the 3rd time in less than 5 minutes that I've edited this post. Another note... my dad loves me. It's hard for me to see it in the way he treated our family, but I know that what he did wasn't against me. He didn't walk out on me other than by default. He walked out on my mom. He didn't divorce me, he divorced her. While he doesn't extended communication, I can still see that he loves me. He just has a different way of showing it. If he didn't love me he wouldn't have gone to annual dance recitals for 8 years, piano recitals for 8 years, sat in the cold rain at countless band competitions. He wouldn't send me grocery money when I ask for it, wouldn't pay my car insurance or tuition, wouldn't have given me the beautiful sapphire and diamond cross necklace a year ago yesterday that, upon looking at it's beauty inspired this 3rd edit.

People show love in different ways. "If you love wrong it doesn't mean love's gone." - Love Song, Hanson

Fourth edit - Tonight Ryan took me out to the Lemon Drop for my birthday. Thank you sooo much... I'd have to say that was the best birthday present I got this year. Not because my presents were crap (they weren't) and not because the Lemon Drop is so amazing (it is) but because you've been a great friend and I have missed hanging out with you. I miss what we had freshman year. Tonight was great. Let's not forget about Greasy-spoon Tuesdays! I love you!

Currently listening to Hanson: Save Me

Loving you like I never had before
I'm needing you to open up the door
If begging you might somehow turn the tides
Then tell me to I've got to get this off my mind

I never thought I'd be speaking these words
I never thought I'd need to say
Another day alone is more than I take

Won't you save me, 'cause saving is what I need
I just want to be by your side
Won't you save me, I don't want to be
Just drifting through the sea of life

Listen please, don't walk out the door
I'm on my knees, you're all I'm living for
I never thought I'd be speaking these words
Never thought I'd find the way
Another day alone is more than I take

Won't you save me, 'cause saving is what I need
I just want to be by your side
Won't you save me, I don't want to be
Just drifting through the sea of life

Suddenly the sky is falling
Could it be it's too late for me
If I never said I'm sorry, then I'm wrong, I'm wrong
Then I hear my spirit calling
Wondering if she's longing for me
And then I know that I can't live without her

Won't you save me, 'cause saving is what I need
I just want to be by your side
Won't you save me, I don't want to be
Just drifting through the sea of life
Won't you save me
Won't you save me
Won't you save me



I want to write. I want to write the words of a poet, words that inspire others and let people into the deepest corner of my soul. I don't know the words, can't find them. Not even enough to explain to myself, let alone translate that to a normal language. It's nights like this that I long for him to be here, for me to see his face, feel his arms around me, holding me. Sharing a blanket, each with our own cup of coffee. Staring out in the same direction. His heart understanding mine, and mine his. Someday we will find each other and our hearts will speak the same language. So here's to you: I love you and I hope I am living my life in a way that will keep me pure for you.

Okay... so the more thoughts...

First, Valentine's. Some people get really depressed on this day, and no offense, but I think that's kind of dumb. So you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I don't have a boyfriend either. Never have. I have always been single and dateless on 2-14. And I don't care.

My birthday coming up...

I feel so dang old and yet at the same time know that really I'm not. I feel like I should be so much more mature than I am right now, but at the same time not. I'm in college, it's supposed to be fun! I think I think the same thing every year. JEN ERVIN IS A DUMBBUTT because she's not obeying what she gave up for lent. ANYWAY - twenty-two. Dang. I love being the age where I'm not competely held responsible for everything and yet I can have my own apartment and live with the people I chose to live with and go do the things I want. AND for the record it IS possible to not get drunk when you're twenty one. But sometimes I miss being a kid. I miss thinking it was a big deal that I could walk down the block to Libby's house with my bag full of Barbies. I miss building forts in the yard and playing in the dirt on the side of the road (yeah I know, really safe huh). But I also love being able to go to Jamaica and London with friends and yeah. YAY FOR THE PRESENT! I've never been one to live in the past or worry about the future. So here's to twenty-one! It's been a good 51 weeks... and I've got one more. I'm gonna live it up! (And stay sober!)

Today = Valentine's Day. Today = My last week of being 21. More on both later.

Currently Watching: Hanson: Underneath Acoustic Live

Yay for Hanson DVD's! Woot.

"This song is about an old girlfriend of mine who cheated on me. But don't worry, I got her back." - Isaac

The reason for my post is this, and thanks Mel for the quote, and for the good talk that we had today I LOVE YOU!

"Love is giving someone the opportunity to destroy you, trusting that they won't, and forgiving them when they do."

Also I finally found a nickname for Mel based off the lovely last name of Fronckowiack that she DID NOT hear before!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... BEHOLD.... FRONKENSTEIN!

Thrasher you need to sleep in your own bed for a change. Get some good rest. You too, roommate.

Ervin - I missed you this weekend. Come back to me!

Roommate got a tattoo - go DeeDee! Her new name is Wernback

Other roommate is gone with Ervin.

Michael Jackson looks like a freak - this comment brought to you by the ugly picture of him in the banner at the top of my screen as I type this.

I can't wait for Chris and Katie's wedding. Yay for you guys, and yay more for love. I tried finding your song to put on my xanga, but I couldn't. You guys probably don't even read this, haha but yeah for those who are reading this - they are going to have "It Feels Like Home To Me" sung at their wedding. It's by some CHiroerjsekrj sKeropsurlsekjrs chick. Kinda like chicken kakapoopoo which Stacy needs to cook soon.

I'm so tired but I don't want to go to bed yet.

I heart Mercy House. Yay for me being able to go tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the internship this summer.

Yay London! Only 26 days!

I totally was going to post something else... don't remember what.

This is all random.

"Lost Without Each Other" (the song in the video above)

I ran into your best friend today
Twelve nights since you ran away
I asked about you and she said, can’t say, can’t say
I’m feeling lonely and it seems to stay
It’s been a while since I felt that way
Well, I can tell you there’s no room to play this game

All I know is what I’m missing
What I’m missing is your kissing
Are you listening

Don’t go, don’t go telling me you’re alright
There’s no room for getting uptight
Don’t go saying that you’re OK
When you’re lonely
Baby, don’t go telling me we’re over
When you know you’re my one and only lover
And I won’t go saying that we’re OK when we’re
Lost without each other
‘Cause we’re lost without each other
‘Cause we’re lost without each other

I didn’t mean to start the last big fight
You never should have hung up that night
All I want to do is make things right
Make it right
Listen, with all the choices that we chose to make
And all the promises we chose to break
We were busy making big mistakes, yesterday

All I know is what I’m missing
What I’m missing is your kissing
Are you listening

Don’t go, don’t go telling me you’re alright
There’s no room for getting uptight
Don’t go saying that you’re OK
When you’re lonely
Baby don’t go telling me we’re over
When you know you’re my one and only lover
And I won’t go saying that we’re OK when we’re
Lost without

I can tell you one thing
We’re not better on our own
I’m tired of running from my feelings
Are you listening

All I know is what I’m missing
What I’m missing is your kissing
Are you listening

Don’t go, don’t go telling me you’re alright
There’s no room for getting uptight
Don’t go saying that you’re OK
When you’re lonely
Baby, don’t go telling me we’re over
When you know you’re my one and only lover
And I won’t go saying that we’re OK when we’re
Lost without each other
Lost without each other

Today is going to be the best!

So today I skipped Chapel with my good friends Thrash, DeeDee, and Mel, and we went to Deluxe Donuts. Normally when we're there it's late at night and we act stupid. With the exception of me accidently throwing ice at the lady working, we weren't really all that crazy and dumb. Actually Thrash and I just started having a good convo about post-graduation and "the real world" when we had to end it so I could go back to class. Dumb classes. Always getting in the way of what's really important. Thrash and I definately need to finish that convo - it was a good one. There was something else I wanted to say and now I don't remember. The end.

The past few days have been warmer and all the snow was gone and it made me ready for spring, I can't help but notice the reflection of God's beauty found in the fresh layer of snow falling this morning.



Thank You, Father, for heavenly reminders

I definately haven't been feeling like myself lately. Yes, I'm sick - but it's been longer than just this week. I think it started during Christmas break. I don't really know why or what or anything but yeah. I've definately been a more subdued version of myself. It hit me yesterday when I met with Matt, my pastor. He doesn't really know me that well and as soon as we started talking he asked if I was okay and that I seemed distant. He was right but I don't know how he would have known that. So yeah - me = not me lately. Me not knows why. Me wants to be me.

I don't feel myself today
Just a figure in a big monopoly game
Struggle is the price you pay
You get just enough just to give it away
I'm sinking but I'm floating away
Throw me a line so I can anchor my pain
The fabric is about to fray
The fabric is about to fray

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

Been running through my mind today
Scenarios to add to your hypocrisy
No one ever takes the blame
But everyone is searching for a cure to the pain
Nothing ever seems to change
Oh, nothing ever seems to change
We just play like broken records in a deaf man's charade

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

Carry on just a pawn and the same old song
I'm still holding on

The fabric is about to fray

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough
Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

Happy February. I'm sick.

Thirty-eight days until London!!!