a season of reflection

december. it's that month when we all begin to reflect on the past year and plan for the one ahead. when 2009 was wrapping up, i looked back on it with fond memories. a new house, new friends, finally starting to form some community in nashville. but i had this feeling that 2010 was going to blow 2009 out of the water. and let me tell you, it did.

as 2010 ended, i felt as though 2011 would be... not bad, but less exciting and adventurous as 2010. i anticipated a little more struggle and discipline in 2011. and that's what happened.

i'm sure there's a certain degree of self-fulfilling prophecy in all of this, but whatever it is, it's there. but 2012... i think, and hope, it might even surpass 2010 as being an incredible year. i guess we'll see...

a month of thanks

throughout the month of november, i was tweeting one thing i was thankful for each day during the month, but i slacked off on the last couple days. so in order to complete the list and to re-jump-start my blogging efforts, i've decided to compile the list.

here are 30 things for which i am thankful.

1. a job that pays the bills.
2. nashville's fall weather.
3. the best roommates a girl could ask for (jacquelyn, stacy, & karissa).
4. living in a city full of dreamers.
5. the talent in this town #musiccity.
6. midtown fellowship.
7. pain killers, caffeine, and sleep: their powers combined working hard to battle my migraine.
8. hope in something bigger than myself.
9. my community group (aka: the swamp tigers).
10. thankful for haikus/and free baja burrito/30 days of thanks (baja had a twitter contest. the best haikus about burritos won a free meal. i won for sheer volume of haikus. maybe another post for another day.)
11. weekends.
12. restoration.
13. wine.
14. coffee.
15. god's timing.
16. facetime.
17. grace.
18. that i live in town (vs the suburbs) and therefore my normal commute is only 10 minutes
19. all the friends and memories i have because of a little orange plastic disc i bought 14 years ago.
20. opportunities to step outside of my comfort zone.
21. work-from-home mondays.
22. that i didn't die when someone almost t-boned me by making an illegal u-turn.
23. that i made it safely to michigan for thanksgiving.
24. family.
25. christmas.
26. that i had the opportunity to visit and reconnect with two friends. one whom i've known for 25 years, and one for 23 years.
27. that i made it safely back to nashville after thanksgiving, and for stacy's company along the way.
28. that both my house and my neighborhood have character.
29. opportunities to serve.
30. forgiveness.

the big picture

one of my favorite things about blogging and journaling is going back and reading old entries. i recently read part of my journal from my second year of college. at the time, i thought i knew what i wanted: the career i was studying in school, the boy i was interested in, what i hoped to get out of everyday life. eight years later (holy cow!) i found myself laughing at my former dreams. now that so much time has passed, i am able to see the bigger picture. i know now that had all those desires been met, i would have ended up pretty miserable. and i can also see now that not getting what i wanted at the time ultimately lead to where i am today. and life is pretty great today.

i would like to say that seeing the big picture of my past has enabled me to realize god has reasons for not giving my all of my current desires, but it's not that easy. but i think i'm getting there. one step at a time.

a story of faith.

i heard a story yesterday which hit home for me. i have not experienced anything remotely close to what happened to this young woman, but i can learn from her experience and i think that's why god gives us stories; they are meant to be shared.

sunday morning at church, our congregation sang these words:

no guilt in life, no fear in death
this is the power of christ in me
from life's first cry to final breath
jesus commands my destiny


i'll be honest with you; i sang these words half-heartedly. maybe because i was distracted in thought, maybe because they are almost too familiar. but then some friends and i grabbed lunch and janelle, a labor and delivery nurse, told us that she lost it and started crying during that song, because she had been having a hard time dealing with losses at work and questioning why some people never get their first breath. she told us a story of a woman who went into labor prematurely and the baby was stillborn. the mom gave janelle a blanket she had knitted and asked her to keep it with the child, and said that all of their tears and prayers were in that blanket. the mom held her lifeless child to her chest and kept repeating these powerful words: "everything's a blessing. everything's a blessing."

i am blown away by the faith of this woman i have never met. my struggles are trivial in comparison to what has happened to her, and yet she has more clarity into god's promise for her.

i don't really have any grand conclusion for this post. i just felt i needed to pass this story along. i know there are others out there who need to hear it just as much as i did.

the simple truth

sometimes i feel as though the lessons i'm being taught aren't new lessons, but rather the same one over and over. it all boils down to one simple truth: he is all i need. at the root of anger is fear, and the root of fear is sin, and the root of sin, idolatry. and it all goes back to the original sin: eve wanted to be like god, and so she ate the forbidden fruit. i am no different.

i'm going silent.

for 25 hours, i won't be speaking. because sometimes i speak too much.

i was recently introduced to a new "word" - slacktivism: when one says they care and are loud about a cause but don't actually do anything to help.

i'm guilty of this.

after all, the word activism begins with three letters: act. by definition, it requires action.

in this information age, one has to be rather ignorant to not be aware of the injustices happening in the world. the time for awareness is over. it's time for action.

for 25 years, the lords resistance army has been committing terrible atrocities against innocent people in central africa. after the lra was driven out of northern uganda in 2005, they have been occupying some of the most remote and isolated territories in the entire region. they are attacking communities that have virtually no way to communicate to the outside world. the cries of the victims go silent.

and so, starting at 7pm on april 24th, i along with thousands of others, join these victims in silence. for 25 hours i will not speak. we will all gather together, and at 8pm on april 25th, we will break the silence. and then we will act. we will write to congress to fight for peace. we can bring an end to this war.

this is in partnership with invisible children, which is doing amazing things to help protect the citizens of central africa. here is a some insider info from a friend of mine who is working directly with ic:

"when the peace talks between ugandan government and lra failed in 2008, the lra fled uganda. currently there is peace in northern uganda. however, they have now moved into the congo, sudan, and car. they are attacking villages almost daily because they have no funding. they need to attack to get food, supplies, etc. we are building 12 radio towers in these three countries. they will send out a broadcast twice a day to all of the villages saying where the lra has been, where they are heading, who needs help or protection, etc. also, it will broadcast to the lra. many members of the lra are afraid to come out of the bush because they fear being persecuted or being killed by their home villages for the crimes they were forced to commit. we are broadcasting ways for them to safely come out."

this is huge. and they need our help. would you consider donating even $1 or $5? you can donate directly to invisible children here:

woman vs. transmission

i had plans for tuesday. i was going to get to work at 7:30, go to the park on my lunch break and read for a bit. then i was going to get off work at 4, go to the library, fill my car with gas, get my hair cut, meet my roommates for pizza, then go see our friends cori, erin, and sam sing at the village pub in east nashville. as i was rounding the corner to get to the office parking lot, my transmission failed. as a result, my day turned out quite different. i spent my lunch break paying a towing charge, left work at 4:30, deanna and i picked her kid up from daycare, and then i took her car and got home at 6, just in time to eat cereal for dinner and then i did end up going to village pub.

sometimes plans change. sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. but there is one thing that is in our control, and that is how we react to life. for example, in this situation, i can be angry that my car isn't working. or i can choose to remember that god is in control and that it's much better that way, and i can choose to live in that peace. and i can thank him for my struggles, for the reminder that he is sovereign, i can choose to trust in him to work this situation out, and i can choose to write in run-on sentences.

the upper room

i sat in the orange chair in what we called "the upper room". looking out the window, i found myself mesmerized by the slow and steady falling snow. flakes bigger than i have ever seen before, which is saying something having spent all of my 18 years in michigan. i knew this place was special, a holy ground of sorts. a place where my soul felt free, felt peace. a peace i have felt in no other place. i didn't know what the future would hold, what adventures lay beyond my high school years.

five years later i returned to that room. a room which had previously represented peace now brought confusion. i sat in that orange chair again and poured my heart out on paper. the snowflakes replaced by raindrops, a relief from the heat of the august afternoon. everything i thought i had been working towards was falling apart. or so it seemed. i know now that it was a gift. protecting me from a future i didn't know i didn't want.

another five years has come and gone. i haven't seen that orange chair since. i long for it though. for the familiarity. for it's comfort. even in the confusion that room brought comfort. physically of course, but mostly emotionally. i often wonder if i will ever return to that place. but then i'm reminded it's not the room that matters. it never has mattered. what made that room so special was the community surrounding me. the great cloud of witnesses along my path, helping me to fight my battles.

and then i remember i still have that community. the face are different, as are the stories behind them. but an evolving story needs evolving and changing characters. new faces with new stories to help fight new battles in new places. here's to the next five years.

breaking the silence

well once again i unintentionally neglected the blog. it's not from a lack of anything to say, i've actually had several blog-worthy thoughts rolling around in my head the past couple weeks. it's been more out of lack of time to write them down. it's sometimes always better to chase after things rather than just talk about them.

a couple weeks ago i was sharing what's going on in my heart with my community group. the thing about community is that it's not safe. we were never promised safe. in c.s. lewis "chronicles of narnia", aslan (the god-figure) is described in this way:

"safe?" said mr. beaver. "don't you hear what mrs. beaver tells you? who said anything about safe? 'course he isn't safe. but he's good. he's the king, i tell you."

this is true of god as well as godly community. it's far from safe. when we truly invest in each others lives, it gets messy, dangerous, and it wrecks us. and i think it's one of the most beautiful things that can happen to humanity.

so what has been wrecking my life? stay tuned...

why i'm like a lab rat.

sunday in church, randy told a story about some lab rats a friend of his told him a few years ago. the lab was getting shut down and they decided to let the rats free. they took the cage of rats out to an open field and opened the door and all of the rats just huddled in the back of the cage. the cage is all they had ever known and they were afraid of the freedom outside of the cage. he then went on to ask us to consider what our cages are. i identified my cages (fears of failure and lame excuses) awhile ago. the question i'm faced with now is this: what am i going to do about it? will i embrace the freedom i have been given, or will i continue to cower in my false sense of control?

my predictions for the new year.

around this time last year i told everyone i had a feeling 2010 would be an amazing year. i obviously had no idea what specific things would take place, i just had this feeling it would be great. and it was indeed an incredible year.

but for 2011, i have a different feeling. i have a feeling that it will be a hard, trying year. but the good kind of hard... the character-building kind. and if that's the way it turns out, then i'm prepared for it and i'm ready to face what challenges may come. if it's going to be another great year, then i'm ready for that too. of course i can't say for sure, but either way, i'm excited.

i think this quote might be my theme though:

"and then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - anaïs nin

an open letter to me, from ten-years-into-the-future me

dear almost-28-year-old-holly,

you're an adult, one who is way past the "semi-adult" stage. you're a full-fledged grown up and it's time to start taking responsibility for yourself. remember 10 years ago when your room was always a disaster? you've grown up from that. your bed is made most mornings, your clothes are kept up off the floor, your dishes are in the sink or on the drying rack. congratulations. now take what you've learned from that and apply it to the other areas of your life. start with small steps, but don't be afraid to dream big. god's placed those dreams in your head and your heart and he has a purpose for them, even if things don't turn out quite like you hope. i know you want to change the world, and chances are, you have and you will. it might not be through your day job, and that's okay. i know that you're hoping that i'll tell you that you have a husband and some babies. and maybe you do, maybe you don't. i won't say. but know this - either way, those things have worked themselves out. don't be afraid. of anything. get rid of your excuses, chase the dreams you deny having, and really just don't be afraid to speak up and have a conversation with that boy you think is cute. but most importantly, as you continue to search for your story, just remember that it's not your story at all. it's god's. seek to glorify him in all that you do and things will be just fine. 2010 was a good year for you. just wait until you see what lies ahead.


sincerely,
almost-38-year-old-holly

wednesday wisdom: #4

"and i watched the leaves fall all of the way to the ground. and i knew that that was what love was, to die so that it could be found."

-ben rector

mistakes and frivolity.

god doesn't make mistakes. and as i write this, i'm reminded of what that means. it means it's not a mistake that i'm where i'm at in life, in my career, in the world. i think it's fair to say god also isn't frivolous. i think these two things mean so much more than they seam. it means i was born on february 21, 1983 with a purpose. there is a reason i was born that day, and not the day before. there is a reason "glosli" by sigur ros started playing as i'm writing this. there's a reason i'm in nashville, a reason i live in the house i'm renting with the girls i have as roommates. there's purpose behind my job, even if it's hard to see. he doesn't make mistakes. he did this for a reason.

the question is: what am i going to do about it?

hindsight is 20/20

the thing about hindsight is you can look back and see exactly where one small decision led to another decision which led to a life-changing decision. here's one example in my life:

-spring of 2004 i made the small decision to go to my friend angie's church.
-fall of 2004 that church planted a new church and i made the small choice to go with my friend jenna.
-spring of 2005 i made the decision to be a part of the internship that church was having in the summer.
-summer of 2005 that internship totally changed my life (which is a post all of it's own)
-spring of 2006 i chose to move to nashville, which probably wouldn't have happened if not for the people i met during that 2005 internship.

and when i reflect on moments like that, it makes me wonder what small decisions i am making today that will change my life a few months or years down the road. it's kind of crazy to think about sometimes. i guess it's sort of along the lines of the movies "the butterfly effect" or "sliding doors". will my life have a completely different outcome depending on whether i choose to go to frothy monkey or fido to get my daily caffeine dose? i would say most likely not, but you never know.

i think this is just a reminder that god is in control. if he wants to use a cup of coffee to change my life, i'm all for it.

wednesday wisdom: #2

"real religion, the kind that passes muster before god the father, is this: reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."

james 1:27, the message

tuesday talk: homecoming 2010

this past weekend was homecoming weekend at anderson university. after just recently coming out of 90+ degree weather here in nashville, i really enjoyed the rainy 50's in indiana.

i was pleasantly surprised at the number of old friends i was able to see over the weekend. and i was able to attend my old church (which i've been lucky to do several times this year). it's funny how, recognizing only a handful of faces, i can still feel right at home. and a lot has changed over the past six years.

SIX years. that's when the church (the mercy house) started. the first time i attended church there was the second week it existed. which was exactly six years prior to this past weekend. and then that following summer i was one of several interns. our primary focus was on the new building we had acquired, and how we could use that building to strengthen community - both amongst ourselves and with our literal neighbors in the area.

five years since that internship, it's happening. it's amazing to see all the ways the church has grown there and the creative ways they are reaching out to their community.

i'm a hypocrite.

almost five months ago,(has it really been that long?) my lovely city of nashville suffered a 500-year flood. i'm sure you know this by now. for a few weeks following the torrential downpours, all i was focused on was the flood: what do we do? how can i help besides not showering (no, really, the mayor asked us to not shower/shave/etc for a few weeks to conserve water, as one of our treatment plants was down.)? which of my neighbors need the most help? even now, five months later, two of our biggest sources of revenue (the opryland hotel and the opry mills mall) are still not open. i was constantly checking twitter, looking for places to help, listening to stories of lose, stories of hope, and finding myself frustrated by tweets that seemed irrelevant to such an important issue.

my friend alan said it best with the following RT:

RT @molesbrian I kinda just wanna shake all of you tweeting about nonsense and yell, "MY TOWN IS UNDER WATER!!!!!!"

i retweeted it myself. but this blog post isn't about nashville's flood.

it's about me. it's about us. it's about my brothers and sisters half-way around the world.

how can i be so upset at people not caring that my city is under water, when 90% of the time i don't care that children are being abducted from their homes and forced to be soldiers? how can i complain that it's 95 degrees on the first day of fall, when right now there are men, women, and children who don't even have access to clean water?

i'm a hypocrite.

it's so easy to ignore the problem when it's not in your face, a part of your daily life. so what can i do about this? what can we do? how can we make these issues impossible to ignore?

i don't really have a solution here. i can give $7 a month to mocha club. and i can give $7 a month to exile international. and so can you. and we should. it makes a difference. but sometimes, money isn't enough. i look at people like bobby bailey, who founded invisible children and the brave. here is someone who is using his talents to tell the world about these issues, and empowering others to act. but i don't have that kind of talent. i don't make films. i can't sing songs about changing the world. what do i have, besides $14 a month?

i have a blog.
i have a facebook page.
i have a twitter account.
i have a voice.
i have a government who wants to hear my voice (even if it doesn't always seem that way).

it's not fair that i live a life of luxury because i happened to be born in a certain country. it's even less fair if i choose not to speak out against the injustices of those less fortunate.

a quote. part two.

ultimately our gift to the world around us is hope. not blind hope that pretends everything is fine and refuses to acknowledge how things are. but the kind of hope that comes from staring pain and suffering right in the eyes and refusing to believe that this is all there is. it is what we all need - hope that comes not from going around suffering but from going through it. i am learning that the church has nothing to say to the world until it throws better parties. by this i don't necessarily mean balloons and confetti and clowns who paint faces. i mean backyards and basements and porches. it is in the flow of real life, in the places we live and move with the people we're on the journey with, that we are reminded it is god's world and we're going to be okay.

-rob bell, "velvet elvis"

[insert content sigh here]

life is good.

i have my struggles, as we all do, but at the end of the day i'm reminded of how blessed i am. blessed by the things i've been able to do in 27 years of life and by the people who have joined me along the way.

that's about it. life is good.