Sunday, October 26, 2008

some thoughts as of late...

i need community. recently a friend asked me if i felt like i was slowly becomming an island. he was simply noting the fact that so many people at work have been quitting (himself included). but i don't think he realized how true those words were. he unknowingly spoke truth into my life in that moment, and it was all i could do to not start crying. this was more than just about some of my favorite co-workers quitting recently. i have become isolated. part of this is because i have been working long hours and at the end of the day i come home and either work more, or just close out the world and go to sleep because i am exhausted. part of this is because i haven't been opening myself up to those who i consider to be friends. am i afraid?

i am becoming an island.

and i hate it.

this is not who i was meant to be.

i need community.

about a month ago, i was talking with one of the friends who did move away. i had spent quite a bit of time at her house while she still lived in nashville, as i was friends with both her and her roommates. while talking to her, i happened to mention that in the two years i had known her and lived her, she had never been in my apartment. her response? "i was never invited." it dawned on me a little while later that i have only had one friend in my home in the past two years (with the exception of out-of-town guests). i love having people over and opening up my home. hospitality is one of my spiritual gifts, and i have not been using it. i think that i haven't been inviting people over, because i fear that the invitation will be turned down. i am afraid.

i am living in my fears rather than living in the grace and love that has been poured over me.

this is not who i was meant to be.

i need community.

my lease is up in march. while i am grateful for some of the things i have learned, and the ways i have grown by being on my own for two years, i think it's time for me to consider some other options. i started doing this around this time last year, and ended up staying here. i don't want to just find some random person to live with. i want to live in community. intentional community.

so friends, if you happen to think of me in prayer, pray that i find that somewhere, somehow.

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