breaking the silence

well once again i unintentionally neglected the blog. it's not from a lack of anything to say, i've actually had several blog-worthy thoughts rolling around in my head the past couple weeks. it's been more out of lack of time to write them down. it's sometimes always better to chase after things rather than just talk about them.

a couple weeks ago i was sharing what's going on in my heart with my community group. the thing about community is that it's not safe. we were never promised safe. in c.s. lewis "chronicles of narnia", aslan (the god-figure) is described in this way:

"safe?" said mr. beaver. "don't you hear what mrs. beaver tells you? who said anything about safe? 'course he isn't safe. but he's good. he's the king, i tell you."

this is true of god as well as godly community. it's far from safe. when we truly invest in each others lives, it gets messy, dangerous, and it wrecks us. and i think it's one of the most beautiful things that can happen to humanity.

so what has been wrecking my life? stay tuned...

the fear of no fear

you know what i think my biggest fear is? getting rid of fear.

because when we get rid of fear we have no more excuses.

a few weeks ago in my small group, we talked about what names we feel like god is telling us to put down/give up. and i didn't think about the question at all beforehand and then when we were sharing i just kind of blurted out "coward" and i don't know where it came from and i didn't really think about it until the next couple of days. and now i'm realizing how true that is for me. fear has played a large role in my life.

sometimes i think i'm afraid to chase after my dreams. there is the fear that i'll get into it and maybe realize that's not what i want and then be more confused about what to do with life than i already am. fear that i won't measure up. fear that i don't have what it takes.

but the scariest part is getting rid of those fears because they make for good (bad) excuses.

mistakes and frivolity.

god doesn't make mistakes. and as i write this, i'm reminded of what that means. it means it's not a mistake that i'm where i'm at in life, in my career, in the world. i think it's fair to say god also isn't frivolous. i think these two things mean so much more than they seam. it means i was born on february 21, 1983 with a purpose. there is a reason i was born that day, and not the day before. there is a reason "glosli" by sigur ros started playing as i'm writing this. there's a reason i'm in nashville, a reason i live in the house i'm renting with the girls i have as roommates. there's purpose behind my job, even if it's hard to see. he doesn't make mistakes. he did this for a reason.

the question is: what am i going to do about it?

a perfect fall weekend

this weekend past weekend will go down in the history books as one of the most perfect weekends. it was a combination of everything i love about nashville, about fall, about my hometown, and about road tripping.

roommate kirsten and i each took off work a little early on friday afternoon for a raod trip north. we stopped by fido to grab some coffee for the road, and to say goodbye to our roommate karissa, barista-extraordinaire. while waiting to order our coffee, we noticed the guy in front of us. the first thing i noticed was how short he was. yours truly stands at a measly 5'1" on a good day, and this guy was at most the same height as me, if not shorter. definitely not taller. next i noticed he was fairly attractive (though he was there with his wife and infant child), and then i realized he looked really familiar. i turned to kirsten and before i could say anything, she whispered "i think that guy was on some show we watched as children."

we spent the first 15 minutes of our road trip googling and imbding various 90's sitcoms and finally figured it out. the guy we saw was jason marsden. (not to be confused with james marsden). jason played jt's best friend & dana's boyfriend on step by step, eric matthew's friend on boy meets world, and dj's boyfriend on full house. he seemed nice and we actually talked to him for a whole 30 seconds after i miraculously caught the coffee beans his wife almost knocked onto the floor (i never catch anything).

we arrived at my mom's house in michigan around midnight and talked with her and played with the dog for a bit before hitting the sack. kirsten had never been to michigan before, so after breakfast we hit the krasal art center, silver beach, walked out to the lighthouse, met my grandma for pizza, visited an apple orchard and pumpkin patch, went to a cider mill which had cider tastings, and then a vineyard/winery with wine tastings.

then we went back to my mom's house for some pumpkin pie and apple crisp, then drove down to mishawaka, indiana. which was the whole purpose of this trip - our roommate, stacy lantz, was having a cd release show near her hometown, which is conveniently near my hometown. after the show, kirsten, stacy, the boys in her band, and i headed out to her parent's house. they have a lot of land, and her dad built a log cabin in the woods where we slept for the night. us girls woke up much earlier than the boys, and stacy's dad thought it would be fun to wake the boys by blasting led zepplin on the sound system while shooting off his shotgun. so he did. only they didn't wake up.

after they finally woke up, we went fishing in their pond (though we didn't catch anything) and climbed their silo. it's a 60-foot silo. dan and clayton made it all the way up, and kirsten and i chickened out after 6 feet or so. and scott didn't even try.

then we loaded up the trailer and cars and drove back down to nashville. the whole weekend was amazing. we did so many things in a short amount of time, but we never felt rushed and it was all just very relaxing. and it was peak fall colors up in michigan, and in my opinion, it was the perfect temperature at 65 degrees.

childhood memories.

i have a few memories of my grandpa (mom's dad). he passed away when i was three, so these are some of my earliest memories. i remember eating ice cream with him, and getting it all over my nose. i remember i would sit in his lap, and i would lean backwards and point my foot up, and he would lift me up so my foot touched the bottom of the lamp that hung from the ceiling over the chair. and i remember the one time he cut my fingernails, and nipped the corner of my pinky and it bled... after that, i was terrified to get my fingernails trimmed.

do you ever wonder why certain memories are the ones that stick with you for forever? what was so special about those moments?

tuesday talk: homecoming 2010

this past weekend was homecoming weekend at anderson university. after just recently coming out of 90+ degree weather here in nashville, i really enjoyed the rainy 50's in indiana.

i was pleasantly surprised at the number of old friends i was able to see over the weekend. and i was able to attend my old church (which i've been lucky to do several times this year). it's funny how, recognizing only a handful of faces, i can still feel right at home. and a lot has changed over the past six years.

SIX years. that's when the church (the mercy house) started. the first time i attended church there was the second week it existed. which was exactly six years prior to this past weekend. and then that following summer i was one of several interns. our primary focus was on the new building we had acquired, and how we could use that building to strengthen community - both amongst ourselves and with our literal neighbors in the area.

five years since that internship, it's happening. it's amazing to see all the ways the church has grown there and the creative ways they are reaching out to their community.