re-reading my favorite book...

"Through Painted Deserts: Light, God, and Beauty on the Open Road" by Donald Miller

"I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God's way. All my life I have been changing. I changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers. I changed into a teenager to drive a car, into a worker to spend some money. I will change into a husband to love a woman, into a father to love a child, change houses so we are near water, and again so we are near mountains, and again so we are near friends, keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets born again and again, like a garden, fed by four seasons, a cycle of change. Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons."

(emphasis mine)

i cannot tell you the number of times i have read this book over the past three years. countless. and each time, the above paragraph has resonated with me and touched something deep inside of me. today is no different than those other times, except that today i interpret it differently.

these excerpts are from the author's note. nowhere near the meat of the book, it's not even the beginning. when you have to pause and reflect before you even truly begin, you know what lies ahead will be great. and so, once more i embark upon the journey that is this book...

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children at play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God."

some thoughts as of late...

i need community. recently a friend asked me if i felt like i was slowly becomming an island. he was simply noting the fact that so many people at work have been quitting (himself included). but i don't think he realized how true those words were. he unknowingly spoke truth into my life in that moment, and it was all i could do to not start crying. this was more than just about some of my favorite co-workers quitting recently. i have become isolated. part of this is because i have been working long hours and at the end of the day i come home and either work more, or just close out the world and go to sleep because i am exhausted. part of this is because i haven't been opening myself up to those who i consider to be friends. am i afraid?

i am becoming an island.

and i hate it.

this is not who i was meant to be.

i need community.

about a month ago, i was talking with one of the friends who did move away. i had spent quite a bit of time at her house while she still lived in nashville, as i was friends with both her and her roommates. while talking to her, i happened to mention that in the two years i had known her and lived her, she had never been in my apartment. her response? "i was never invited." it dawned on me a little while later that i have only had one friend in my home in the past two years (with the exception of out-of-town guests). i love having people over and opening up my home. hospitality is one of my spiritual gifts, and i have not been using it. i think that i haven't been inviting people over, because i fear that the invitation will be turned down. i am afraid.

i am living in my fears rather than living in the grace and love that has been poured over me.

this is not who i was meant to be.

i need community.

my lease is up in march. while i am grateful for some of the things i have learned, and the ways i have grown by being on my own for two years, i think it's time for me to consider some other options. i started doing this around this time last year, and ended up staying here. i don't want to just find some random person to live with. i want to live in community. intentional community.

so friends, if you happen to think of me in prayer, pray that i find that somewhere, somehow.

homecoming, part 2

familiar faces, familiar places. fallen leaves and the crisp midwestern air. though at times i felt old being back in that place, seeing all of the students, being tired before cheap thrills even began, it was still good to be back. it is always good to be back.

anderson, you will always hold a place in my heart.

this was just what i needed.

homecoming, part one

here i am at 6:45am on friday morning. i just got out of the shower and i'm sitting in my towel because i can't decide what to wear. my windows are open, and so it is quite frigid in my home, seeing as it's only 50-something degrees outside right now. i look out my window and i see the green leaves (these particular trees don't 'color' well) and through their sparseness i can see the rolling hills and fog of the world to my east.

i had asked my manager to take half of today off so that i can get up to anderson in time for the l'ami alumni dinner, and she told me to just work from home this morning... not gonna argue with that.

i need to get dressed. i need to pack. i need to clean. i need to look up contract dates and monthly fees and other audit information.

but more than that, i need to escape. i need to leave nashville. i need to leave the big city. i need the open road. i need the friends and familiar faces i have not seen in so long. i need anderson. i need homecoming. i need the rest and relaxation.

homecoming always comes at the perfect time for me.

reminders

in the past week-ish i've been reminded...

-that rest is necessary.
-that god is in control.
-that i am not in control.
-that it is better that i am not in control.
-that seasons always change.
-that change is good.
-that i can speak up for myself.
-that i am worth having my thoughts and feelings aknowledged.
-that tough things make the simple things even better.
-that sometimes people can surprise you.
-that sometimes all you need is a pumpkin spice latte to make the world seem better.
-that late nights + woodchuck + live music + friends = good times.
-that late nights + woodchuck + live music + friends + early mornings + too much work = exhaustion.

hello, autumn. you are my favorite, and i am glad that you are here.

i may rip my hair out.

it's wednesday morning, 6:51am and my co-worker jamie is on her way to pick me up to take me to work. before going in this morning, i already have worked 44.5 hours this WEEK. meaning, since friday. i worked 9 hours saturday, 12 hours sunday, 13.5 hours monday, and 11.5 hours yesterday. maybe i didn't do the math right. maybe i did. i do not know.

the last time i had a full day off was august 17th.

my car broke down 6:30 monday morning on my way into work. they said it was the timing belt and they replaced it for $525.00 and now they are saying it's still not working and they don't know if it's the distributor or the ignitor, and that it might be $550 MORE to fix that. i am going to get a second opinion today.

my friend mel's car broke down this week as well, and she won't be able to get hers fixed until friday evening, so she is no longer coming down to visit me this weekend like she was planning on doing.

i'll probably work all weekend again anyway. or something.

100 things...

that make me happy.

1. the smell of rain
2. falling in love with a song
3. holding something warm
4. a great cup of coffee
5. making someone smile
6. trying new recipes
7. opening up my home to others
8. traveling to a new place
9. a new bottle of lotion or shampoo or jar of peanut butter...
10. inspiring photographs
11. autumn
12. bonfires
13. stepping on a crunchy leaf
14. the calm before the storm
15. waking up to the sound of rain
16. the way my brother's dog gets so excited to see me
17. leaving the country
18. paying with exact change
19. keeping in touch with distant friends
20. the smell of grapes ripening
21. lake michigan
22. sunsets
23. harvest moons
24. snail mail (as in a real card or letter, not just junk and bills)
25. live music
26. hugs
27. inside jokes
28. creative moments
29. being reminded that it's a small world
30. hearing someone speak in a foreign language
31. flying
32. the feeling of accomplishment
33. open fields
34. cityscapes
35. the open road
36. dilapidated barns
37. when snow looks glittery
38. babies
39. sunday afternoon naps
40. the back of waterfalls
41. camping
42. coffee shops
43. the tree on the corner of 21st ave & bernard ave, nashville
44. having my thoughts and beliefs challenged
45. sleeping with the windows open
46. leaving notes on my co-workers desks
47. being barefoot
48. finding the perfect song for the moment
49. pajamas
50. touching the different fabrics in stores
51. finding the perfect gift to give someone
52. the comedies of life
53. sweatshirts
54. spontaneity
55. roller coasters
56. having a fire in the fireplace
57. christmas decorations & traditions
58. dawn
59. sailing
60. giant snowflakes that fall slowly
61. my coffee mug collection
62. watching candles burn
63. hand-made journals
64. finishing a good book
65. being wrapped in lots of blankets
66. dew
67. rays of sunshine through the clouds
68. sarcasm
69. swinging
70. revisiting my childhood
71. taking pictures of doors
72. a knowing smile
73. reading old letters
74. the sound of rapid typing
75. remembering that this life is not my own
76. accents
77. red wine
78. watching others chase their dreams
79. feeling a cold front come in
80. the smell of sun-soaked skin
81. discovering hole-in-the-wall places
82. being waved at
83. small acts of kindness (doing them and receiving them)
84. getting lost in the moment
85. polaroidcommunity.blogspot.com
86. having someone play with my hair
87. "single tear" moments
88. porches
89. big cities
90. uncontrollable laughter
91. surprises
92. how green everything looks after a good rain
93. being the recipient of gentlemenly behavior
94. waking up with the sun and the birds rather than an alarm
95. recognizing the truth of the gospel in secular situations
96. comfortable silences
97. finding a new favorite pen that writes really well
98. going on walks
99. warner camp in grand junction, mi
100. red dirt
(101. not caring if anyone thinks this list is cheesey)